An Interview with Gary Kolchek

By The Audience

Kolchek’s cellphone rings. He answers and hears a voice on the other end…

It’s Bob here from The Audience, an adult news and entertainment blog. Draco gave up your number. He thought you might like to answer a few questions for an interview. He said something about you owing him. Is now a good time?

Kolchek: Hmmmm…Draco must owe you something big if he’s letting me pay back a debt with something as simple as an interview. It is just an interview, right? You do know I’m no longer in the “biz”, right?

Of course. Let’s start from the very beginning, tell us about your family…

Kolchek: Dad was a mildly successful child actor back in the day. Sid and Marty Kroft used him often in their tripped out shows. Mom was a Russian teacher at the local high school. I was a “one and done” only child. I never knew much about my extended family. My dad’s side was full of drunks and conspiracy theorists. My mom never discussed much about her side of things and I never pushed it, because back then, I didn’t really care. I mean who cares about that shit when you’re a kid. But, damn, what I would give to be able to interview her now!

And how did you first learn that monsters are real?

Kolcheck: You ever been to Hollywood? Like, the really touristy part? You know those guys that dress up in superhero costumes and demand you give them money to take pictures with them? Yeah, I was doing that for some extra cash when I was 18 or so. There was a guy we called Smelly Hulk because he never took that big foam costume off even in the middle of a SoCal summer. He was always a weird guy, but one evening I saw him acting funny around this kid. I wouldn’t have thought much about it, but the kid had a pretty severe case of albinism, so I was already kind of staring. Well, Smelly Hulk kept hovering around the kid—more than what you’d normally see on the strip. Without warning, Smelly Hulk jumped the kid, grabbed a handful of that ghost-white hair, and yanked it out, and started running. The kid was left on the ground. The parents were in shock. I gave chase. I was dressed up as the Flash, so I figured it was appropriate. Now it was getting dark and the alley we ended up in was even darker, but I swear to you I saw a weird portal open up in the mouth of a dumpster in which Smelly Hulk jumped and disappeared. That shit freaked me out. The only person I ever told that to (while still a kid) was my mom. That was about four months before she left my Dad and I.

And after that incident, you became adult entertainer Jiminy Rhinestone. So, how did you go from that to monster hunter?

Yeah, well the whole Jiminy Rhinestone thing was a low point of my life. My mom had just taken off. My recreational drug use had made a turn for the worst. And I was gifted with the complete lack of sexual preferences that made me quite valuable in the Valley. A dealer put me in touch with a hooker who put me in touch with a cameraman who put me in touch with a producer. Next thing I know, I was nominated for an AVN award a year later. My heart wasn’t ever in it, but it gave me a chance to get my head together and the money to seek treatment. I met another patient in rehab who was studying to become a private investigator. She’d talk about it during the meetings and I immediately became fascinated. I thought about Smelly Hulk. I thought about tracking down mom. Why did she leave dad and I? I immediately enrolled in a program and found that I had a knack for it.

Picture of a young man with long curly auburn hair, glasses and a rhinestone jacket

What made you decide to join the Department of Deliverance (DoD) and do you see yourself staying with them longterm?

Kolcheck: Contacts, man. It’s all about the contacts. I’ll be with them long enough to establish a relationship. One I can count on for a stream of favors and resources. But, there’s personal stuff I’ll have to figure out and I can’t be worried about “work” to get that stuff done.

What do you think of your fellow hunters?

Kolcheck: For the most part, they’re great. That Mickey, he’s a bright kid. Not bright enough to stay away from someone like me, but, you know, scary bright.

And that Linda Hamilton cougar—what was her name? Blair? No, Jo. That’s it! She kicked some ass. But seemed to lack the patience for the subtleties of tracking down information.

And Nina. Yeah… She’s a nut I need to crack. That whole family. I think they’re connected. I think they’re the key… Yeah, so you still have more questions?

Speaking of Jo Eastwood, why does she refer to you as Facebook?

Kolcheck: I’m an open-fricking-book and I have a pretty face. The film I was nominated for? The one I mentioned a few minutes ago? Yeah, it was called “Cougar Bait.” Apparently, I just have one of those faces.

What do you like to do when you’re not monster hunting for the DoD?

Kolcheck: Well. There was bowling, but Mickey screwed that up for me. So now, I spend a lot of time urban hiking the ruins of Detroit.

You’re known in certain circles as being able to recall past lives, can you tell me a little about that and if you have a favorite?

Kolcheck: Yeah. No. I’m a pretty open book, but that’s a page I’m still trying to fricking read myself let alone trying to explain it to somebody else.

Understandable. Let’s finish up with some quickfire questions:

Q: Favorite flavor of potato chip?
A: Funions. Yeah, I know you said potato chip, but damn I love Funions.
Q: Favorite fictional detective?
A: It’s a toss-up between Magnum PI and Columbo.
Q: Democrat or Republican?
A: Progressive! Definitely. I don’t want to sexualize the Squad, but the brains, the beauty, the compassion, and all those beautiful shades of brown are fricking sexy!
Q: Bowling or Basketball?
A: Ouch! Did Mickey tell you to ask me that one?

That’s all of the questions I have right now. Thanks for taking the time to answer them all. Can I call you again if I have more?

Kolcheck: Yeah. Sure. But the next call won’t be free.

Pciture of a bowling ball about to hit the pins

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