DoNUT Files: Seed Corn – Gilder, Iowa

By Sero

(This blog post is set after the events of the Seed Corn mystery, episode 15.
So if you haven’t heard that yet, catch up here first!)

Calling all Sprinkles looking for the truth
A DoNUT has been deglazed!

a red stamp that reads "Confidential,Top Secret, Confidential

The Facts (without the glaze):

Where: Gilder, Iowa
When: 7-8 September 2017
What: Seed Corn
Who: Department of Nameless Unusual Things (DoNUT)
Why: To hide the truth from the ignorant masses
How: Their usual tricks and lies

Until recently Gilder, Iowa’s only claim to fame had been that one time a goat, named Totes McGoats, was elected as mayor—he was ousted the following term by newcomer and current sitting mayor, Topher the Gopher. Since then, in the space of mere days there have been two multiple murders and an alleged child abduction ring. Practically unheard of in small town America but big enough to attract DoNUT attention.

This time your Queen is happy to serve you the delicious testimony from the librarian and local museum curator, Mabelle Malinowski, who insisted I quote her on the record:

“There was something not quote right about that quartet. Between Gary Kolchek claiming to first be from the “Canvass Tribune” and then insisting he and his bodyguard [woman with the sword] were actually with the FBI. Well, I did not buy this for a moment and reported them to the proper authorities. And while they assured me that their credentials were correct, I detected a very distinct reluctance on their part, as if they were covering something up.”

While the Tribune turned out to be a glaze, Gary Kolchek is a very real person. I cut into the dough to the cream-filled center and Sprinkles, I was unprepared for what I uncovered: Gary Kolchek aka formerly popular adult entertainer Jiminy Rhinestone, currently private investigator. How the DoNUTs found him boggles my sugar-buzzed mind!

Unfortunately your Queen has been unable to track down this “agent” and witnesses claim to have not seen him leave with his three colleagues on the morning of the fourth. Fear not Sprinkles, your Queen has not given up, she will find him!

Picture of three polaroids: one of an elderly woman, one of corn, another of an antique portrait

He was joined by the woman with the sword and the elder of the two leather clad men from an earlier incident, as well as the man who resembles moi’s former mythology studies professor. I was able to sift through the trash from their motel rooms—having just arrived hours after their departure—to find an odd assortment of refuse: burnt sage, bloodied bandages, one empty bottle of vodka and almost a dozen beer bottles. Housekeeping also let me into one of the motel rooms and I was rendered speechless. It was obvious a malevolent creature or demonic presence had been present and a fight of the proportions only witnessed during a store’s opening day was had. The room was destroyed!

Fear not your Queen obtained forensic evidence which has been sent to a private institute for testing. I will share the sugar with you Sprinkles, as soon as I have the deets!

The DoNUTs were spotted in several locations around Gilder, this time only causing only minor property damage and causing a general nuisance, ie: flinging table salt around. These actions point to the presence of ghosts and once again Mabelle was able to shine a heat lamp on this:

“They were particularly interested in the Van Gilder family, whom the town is originally named for. Supposedly the wife of Vernal Van Gilder moved away to the city with their three daughters but it has long been rumoured, by those with a historical interest, that he butchered his wife and children. Others of a more superstitious inclination are certain the ghosts of the brutally slain have been seeking their revenge all these years.”

Your Queen wonders if perhaps Mabelle has cracked the nut and the Van Gilders are behind the strange murders where the patriarchs of the two families and—after some further sifting through the past—others, brutally murdered them outside their homes. The men all claim their wives and children were monsters, specifically human-sized weevils.

As to the corn that reportedly sprouted through the bodies and fully matured within hours… well, your guess is as good as mine. In the meantime, I remain vigilant, working after hours as I continue to follow the DoNUTs and attempt to scrape the glaze from the eyes of the ignorant masses.

Until next time my little Sprinkles, stay fresh.

DoNUT Queen out <3

Note: Mabelle Malinowski has since been detained for questioning in regards to the still unsolved child abductions in the area.

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